I’ve lived in Texas or about four years, and this place never ceases to amaze/enrage/amuse me. Here’s a list of the things I notice about Texans that amuse and amaze me. Please don’t be enraged by them. You might be a Texan if…
1. You see a turn signal as an invitation to speed up.
Never fails. I put on my turn signal and the car in the lane I’m trying to merge into immediately speeds up. I can almost hear the “Goddammit we didn’t fight at the Alamo only to have to drive behind other cars on the freeway!” coming from the other car. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt by thinking perhaps Texans thought it was friendly to speed up so you could merge behind them (because when I let people merge they seem to hesitate, expecting me to speed up) but my born-and-raised Texan friend Jennifer says, “No, they’re just assholes.”
2. You never stop talking about where you went to college
Some people even get this shit tattooed on their posterior. School spirit is one thing, but this is kind of crazy devotion is taken to a crazy Texas level I’ve only really experienced here (well, and in Oklahoma, which is kind of like Texas Lite). And the stereotypes that go along with each school are super super specific. “Yeah, you can only go to SMU if you’re rich, scored in the 15th percentile on the SAT, and never wear socks with penny loafers.” Ok.
3. You use the word “Bless(ed)”, “Praise”, or “Fellowship” at least once daily.
Ask any city in Texas where they are on the Bible Belt, and they’ll always tell you they’re the buckle. Never the third eyelet, never the tail, the buckle. Pretty much everywhere that admits being part of this region where Evangelical Christianity takes up the first 15 stations of broadcast television and provides the most polling locations for government elections claims they’re the buckle.
4. You consider catfish, crawfish, and shrimp to be seafood (only when fried) and any other type of sealife to be inedible.
We get it, Texas, Beef > Fish. (Except on Fridays). I run into so many people here who think they don’t like seafood, to which I quickly and readily retort “You’ve never had good seafood.” It’s a tough battle, and not one I generally try to win if it means I have to share my salmon cheeks.
5. You know “Shit” has two syllables and “San Antonio” is a single word that is pronounced “Sannatone.”
I’ve also heard three syllable versions of the former, and the latter shortened to “Santone.”
6. Weather (How hot, how twister-y) is always first on the local news.
Then murders, executions, robberies, football, baseball, and if there’s time, things that happen outside of Texas.
7. You gasp in reverent appreciation whenever anyone mentions Six Flags, Schlitterbahn, Great Wolf Lodge, or the State Fair.
Texans love their crowds, thrill rides, and deep fried edibles.
8. You seem to think chili should not have beans and consuming it should require signing a waiver.
It’s also served with bread and milk, and if it doesn’t put you in the hospital going in, it will coming out.
9. A body of water you cannot see across is not “The Ocean”, it’s “The Gulf”, which is pronounced without the “L”.
And the place where you go to get obnoxious beside it is simple called “South Padre”.
10. You rattle on about nothing in particular to complete strangers.
I was once visiting a coworker in the hospital and she was entertaining a small group of friends and family in a public space at the hospital. A man came in looking for a family member who was staying there and he noticed us and jabbered on at length about nothing terribly important and we all politely listened, until after 45 minutes she politely faked acute narcolepsy to drive home the hint.