So I’m feeling snarky today. Yes, I realize half my FB friends have done this, and no I haven’t really hidden you all from my timeline, but I know I’m going to get comments. (Wait, I do that, and I’m not an asshole!) Grow a sense of humor, people.
1. You gushed about your spouse or significant other. Bonus points if you posted it right on their timeline so all your mutual friends could see it too. For single friends, it’s like eating ice cream in front of a fat kid on a hot summer day. Earn brownie points the old fashioned way – behind a securely locked door with novelty underwear.
2. You posted an oblique cry for help. “I’m such a victim!” isn’t the best way to get people to help you. It’s a good way to get people to take advantage of you. Vicious cycle.
3. You think I’m WebMD. Crowd sourcing medical advice from Facebook is a bad idea. Be forewarned, I diagnose everything as Herpes.
4. You posted about your hangover. Posts like “I’m never drinking again!” or even better “Dear <insert name of booze> you are not my friend anymore.” do little to arouse my sympathy. Instead I exclaim, “S/he sounds fun. We should hang out more often.” <– No folks, that’s not sarcasm. <– And neither is that.
5. You posted your grades (or your kid’s grades). No really, I’m glad you (or your offspring) got a B- in phlebotomy at community college. Seriously folks, call your parents with that shit.
6. You tagged everyone in a photo because you wanted them to look at it. Not cool. Just, not cool.
7. You have a joint Facebook account with your spouse. Seriously, as if you and your spouse weren’t going to have enough arguments about the shit you both post on Facebook on separate accounts. Don’t make it worse. Also, it makes it incredibly difficult to hit on just one of you in a private message.
8. You made inane, unoriginal, or just plain stupid comments. “I love parties!” is a good one. I’m sure you’re really fun at them too.
9. You have conversations with yourself in the comments of your own posts . Seriously. I’ve seen this happen.
10. You made reference to what day it was in relation to your workweek. I’m really fucking glad Wednesday is your Friday. Nobody’s ever bitched about Mondays or gushed about Fridays before, so feel free to wax poetic. The rest of the world is frankly pretty ambivalent about weekends, holidays, and days off in general, so feel free to spread the gospel all you want.