So I have writer’s block and a good way to get over it is nonsense. So here are ten ways I’ve envisioned meeting my future husband. Yes, I realize they’re all celebrities – what’s your point?
1. I sit down at the piano at a fancy dinner party and begin playing the opening piano riff from the theme to “The Office” and John Krasinski walks up and begins to accompany me on the kazoo.
2. I’m reading SkyMall in Central Park and I get in the mood for a kolache but when I stand up I stumble to avoid standing on Scott Caan’s hand but I demolish the glass eye he was trying to retrieve and I begin to panic but he points out it came from the Shar-Pei he’s walking and he’s like “It’s not even my dog” and we go to Zabar’s and buy a grape and peel it and put it in the socket instead, and then go to Mila Kunis’ apartment and try to explain why her dog looks like a cyborg and she’s like “Whatever, don’t sweat it” and pulls open a whole drawer of spare Shar-Pei glass eyes and I have a good laugh with Scott and then we go shag at the St. Regis.
3. I’m lost on the road between Lancaster and Hershey, Pennsylvania, and while trying to recalculate the GPS on my phone I rear end Zachary Quinto who is inexplicably driving a Citroën. For some reason it completely disables the car and we have to call AAA and it turns out to be this Amish guy in a buggy who doesn’t know how to fix French cars and we have to spend the night in a Sheraton Four Points.
4. I’m snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef and I dive to pick up a sea cucumber and I grab one and Alex O’Loughlin catches my eye from inside a glass-bottomed tourist boat and writes me a note asking me if I want to meet him on shore for banana fritters.
5. I run into Aziz Ansari scalping tickets at a Pat Benatar concert and I’m like “Dude, I already have a ticket, and you’re already here, like what do you have to do that’s better than Pat Benatar at the Riverwind Casino in Norman, Oklahoma on a Wednesday Night?” and he’s like “Fair point.” and we look at the tickets and realize the seats are adjacent so it’s like fate.
6. I get a job serving jello shots at the Republican National Convention and after Condoleeza Rice buys me out she’s all like “I want you to meet someone.” and it’s Anderson Cooper and he’s like “Condi, I’m not gay: I told you that time you caught me with Clay Aiken I was just showing him how I sucked the venom out of Kathy Griffin’s wound when she got bitten by Kim Kardashian at the Times Square New Year’s Rockin’ Eve telecast.” and then he stops and he’s like “Oh whatever, I’m still in the will.” and we make out underneath the punch bowl.
7. I’m pitching my live action Broadway musical adaptation of Disney’s Mulan to Tina Fey over lunch in the 30 Rock cafeteria and there’s a commotion when Cheyenne Jackson flips bitch because the cafeteria runs out of semi-firm tofu and I’m like “Dude, dude, simmer down, I always keep some in my purse.” and Tina’s all like “Really, is that why there’s a line about bean curd in the play, and I’m like “No that’s from the original film, I’m just a fan of agedashi,” and Cheyenne’s like “That’s my fav, let’s get murried.”
8. I run into Adam Scott at Adam Sandler’s nephew’s bris and he uncomfortably starts making all these jokes about calamari and thinks it should be served at these things and I’m all like “It’s not kosher.” and he’s like “What do you mean, it’s not shellfish.” and I’m like “Well it’s still kinda tacky.” and he doesn’t know what else to say so he just whips it out and gets asked to leave for upstaging the guest of honor and I’m like “I’m gonna go with you because that’s pretty impressive.”
9. I’m by myself at Disneyland blowing a vacation day that’ll otherwise lose and I get into the boat at Pirates of the Caribbean and the ride operator is like “Do you mind if someone else rides with you?” and I’m like “Whatever, but I paid $3.50 for this churro so I’m not sharing that.” and it turns out to be Benedict Cumberbatch and we get to talking about how hot Martin Freeman is so I get caught off guard by the fake cannonball splashes and I almost drop the churro into the water but he catches me and I’m so moved I give him a bite of my churro.
10. I’m knee deep in the dress rehearsal of an all-Hispanic gender-reversed reboot of Hello Dolly called Hello Dali when Raul Esparza who’s playing Dali comes up to me and complains that Rita Moreno keeps swiping his Greek yogurts out of the fridge in his dressing room and he wants it fingerprinted and I’m like whatever I’ll buy you more Greek yogurt it you marry me.