Danno sure is doing some softshoeing lately.
First of all, what a tool. “Rachel, I still love you, but since you either didn’t get or ignored my voicemail in which I proclaimed my undying love for another man’s wife, it’s a good indication it’s time to introduce our daughter to the strumpet I’ve made infrequent on-camera mention to throughout the season in order to make my besotted partner so blind with jealous rage he’d find it endearing when I burn eggs at his house.”
Or something like that.
Second, nothing good can come of this.
We don’t watch Hawai’i Five-0 because they’re perfectly well-adjusted people who do bog standard, boring police work. We watch Hawai’i Five-0 for the same reason we buy tabloids and watch celebrity news: everybody loves a hot mess who once a week is filmed or photographed with articles of clothing missing. Ergo (Ergo? Yes, ergo), nobody on the show deserves happiness until the series is cancelled or ended (it just doesn’t make for compelling television).
Zo, that means our new little girlfriend has got to go before viewers get saccharine overload and decide the Shakespearean plot twists of “Smash” are more worth their time (because let’s face it, NBC already has the lead-in traffic anyway. DVR Mike & Molly and I’ll watch them while I worm the cats, you just don’t get enough opportunities to see unresolved sexual tension at play between Adam Levine and Blake Shelton).
Possible outcomes for this unfortunate girl:
Steve challenges her to a leg-wrestling duel to win Danny’s hand, and he snaps her in twain.
Danny sends her to Kamekona’s for shrimp-infused vodka shooters and the spam musubi tastes uncharacteristically gamey for a week thereafter.
She gets run over by a Chevy to maximize the number of shots the logo can appear in on camera to meet contractual obligations.
She agrees to marry Danny, but at the wedding, she pulls off the mask and reveals she is WoFat, has been using Danny to mindfuck McGarrett, cackles, and disappears in a cloud of smoke.
She gets kidnapped by The Others.
Either way pretty girl, history is against you. Please collect your compendium of travel games as a parting gift on the way out, and Mahalo nui for guest starring Hawaii Five-0.