So I thought I’d just post some garbage. Here goes:
1. I went day care in the basement of a Lutheran church when I was a toddler. I distinctly remember telling the black kids they shouldn’t be called black because they were really just dark brown, and I had a standing gag order during the Christmas Story because I kept finding holes in the plot (“Since when do they herd sheep in the Middle East in December?”)
2. In 5th Grade we had a mini society (that kind of fizzled and died after the teacher got bored with it) social studies experiment and I was the richest kid in class because even that that age I’d mastered the art of tax evasion (which incidentally I have never done in real life).
3. I used to play doctor when I was a child. It never occurred to me that this was simply an innocent sounding way to find out what the other kids looked like under their clothes. I was more interested in making them wait in our rec room for 45 minutes reading year-old issues of Highlights while I double billed their insurance company.
4. I met my best friend on ICQ.
5. In elementary school I had a crush on these twin girls that were a grade younger than me named Amber and Andy. I used to chase them around the playground and try to kiss them until I was told not to chase girls anymore. I’ve been chasing boys ever since.
6. The first time I ever got tagged with “doorknob” for farting was in a camp ground in Fairbanks, Alaska where there were no fucking doors. I took off toward the office which was at least a half mile down a gravel road, losing my Birkenstocks in the process. Upon reaching the doorknob my pursuers were satisfied and we walked back to camp where they proceeded to point out all the doorknobs I’d missed along the way.
7. The last time I played spin the bottle I was 26 years old.
8. I staged a very elaborate mock wedding on the playground during the spring of my 4th grade year.
9. Until I was three our cabin at Big Lake did not have indoor plumbing, just a two-holer outhouse with a space heater, electric lighting, and a copy of the Sears-Roebuck catalog which served a dual purpose.
10. By the time I got my learner’s permit at 14 I had been driving snowmobiles without a license for over a decade.
11. Despite growing up with an outhouse at Big Lake, I have an aversion to having a poo in the woods, and once held it for an entire week whilst hiking the Resurrection Pass Trail on Alaska’s Kenai Peninsula.
12. When I was fifteen I was chatting with this guy who lived in Virginia who told me he was going to kill himself so I called the police department in his area and they had him committed.
13. When I was five I used to tell concerned grown-ups I wanted to be a flight attendant for Hawaiian Airlines because I liked overcooked chicken with too much red pepper and I found the uniform blouse to be especially flattering.
14. For some reason you could always skate faster on the parquet in the concession area at Skateland than you could on the rink tile.
15. On a high school swim trip to Seward I got blazed and spent most of the meet talking about how you could look at the ceiing and see all the nails from where the roof had been nailed down.
16. In high school, whenever I had a crush on a boy that I wanted to get over, I would write his name on a piece of paper, insert it into an empty bottle of Sobe Lizard Blizzard, and hurtle it into Cook Inlet at high tide from the parking lot at Pt. Woronzoff. Assuming they bottles didn’t all leak or wash up in Iliamna, the names of the boys I liked in high school continue to float around the world’s oceans in bottles.
17. I was ejected from a Neiman Marcus in San Francisco for slapping a sales associate who called me fat.
18. Some years later, I was nearly slapped by Andre Leon Talley in front of that same Neiman Marcus for calling him fat.
19. I saw Neil Patrick Harris in the lobby of the Westin River North in Chicago some weeks after seeing “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle”. And didn’t realize it until moments later because he’s much shorter in person.
20. People who didn’t go to my high school until after I graduated have told me they remember my name because there was apparently a story that I deepthroated a bottle of Captain Morgan Parrot Bay at a house party in 1999 that grew legs and has been making the rounds. I have no comment.