I’ve always wanted to sit down and tell each glorious state in the union exactly what I think of them. Here’s the first 25 while I wait for Lindsay Lohan to get out on bail:
1. Alabama: When I think of Alabama I always think of this guy:
And that’s how I picture all Alabamans to this day. Yes, even the women.
2. Alaska. I’ve renamed this state. I don’t call it “Alaska” anymore. I call it “That place I used to live that used to be cool until I left and Sarah Palin embarassed the shit out of everybody.”
Yes, from bad Discovery TV reality series to a slew of t-shirts with “GILF” printed across them, Sarah Palin has ruined Alaska. From now on, I’m telling people I’m from New Jersey.
3. Arizona. Forget about the battleship or that the state seems divided between conservative old white people and liberal young brown people that can’t seem to stand each other. Consider it’s where Alaska ships their convicts. Yes, folks, that’s right. When you’ve fucked up in Alaska, you get sent here as punishment. Just think about that.
4. Arkansas. I’ve been here fleetingly, and aside from naturally occurring diamonds and the worst wine produced in the United States, I have little beef with Arkansas. Little Rock is a charming city, and there are plenty of artery-clogging establishments at which to “Pull a Clinton”. Tick.
5. California (a.k.a. Kahl-ee-fuh-nee-yah according to the Governator). State pasttimes include watching the Ahnold struggle with the word “gubernatorial” and watching the value of your property slide down the shitter.
If the bank doesn’t take it, the surrounding countryside will.
6. Colorado. Ahh, the nation’s fittest (also one of the white-est) state. A nice square state full of nice pale people, and lakes, and mountains, and an airport that looks like a swastika from the air.
Dude, heil Denver!
7. Connecticut. The only thing we’ve heard recently about Connecticut is that it has the highest per capita consumption of golfballs and consumes 73% of the nation’s cocktail olive purchases. What a glorious state.
8. Delaware is amazing for one reason. And this is it.
9. Florida. It’s like Arizona. Except all the white people are Jews, and all the brown people are Cuban – in either case, it means they have better delis.
10. Georgia. That’s an easy one: it’s where you go to do this:
10. Hawai’i. This is where I go to stalk the cast of Hawai’i Five-0. For serious. Even the chick is kinda hot.
11. Idaho. Potatoes. And Mormons who look like potatoes.
12. Illinois. Crooked politicians, good pizza, and the worst sports teams in the world. Heart.
13. Indiana. I spent a month in Indianapolis once. I refer to the period as my “Dark Ages”. However, everyone was quite fat, so my self-image skyrocketed.
14. Iowa. Flat. Corn. Gay marriage. For some reason I picture this:
15. Kansas. Dorothy, please.
16. Kentucky. Everybody of course remembers Kentucky by it’s most famous export. No, not Abraham Lincoln, I’m talking about this dude:
17. Louisiana. According to Disney, les bonnes temps roulez something like this:
But if there’s one more hurricane, it’ll look a little more like this:
18. Maine. I have to go with Rogers & Hammerstein on this one:
19. Maryland. What a gay name, right? Geez. Mary Land. It’s like an amusement park for homosexuals.
20. Massachu… whatever, I can’t spell the rest of it. Patriots and gays. Sometimes both:
21. Michigan. This is where the best cars in the world come from, without any government assistance to the auto companies or the thousands they’ve unemployed:
22. Minnesota. Two words: Rose Nylund.
23. Mississippi. Did it ever stop burning?
24. Missouri. The “Show Me” State. As Cher delightfully did one evening in 1989 on the battleship of the same name:
25. Montana. To everyone under the age of 15, it’s a family of irritating children’s pop stars.
That’s it for now folks, I think I left my iron on. Stay tuned for the bottom half of the country here in a few!