Ok, so Lindsay Lohan has been safely distracted with a ball of tinfoil and I’ve fended off Kirstie Alley with a little white lie about a Chick Fil-A being open on Sunday in spite of corporate policy somewhere in Cerritos, and am now back to peace so I can continue skipping through the bottom 25 states of the union.
26. Nebraska. The license plates here say “Nebraska: The Weird Shit State”. Famous for tacky roadside attractions, such as this local version of Stonehenge:
Nevada. Las Vegas. Let’s face it, nobody gives a shit about the rest of the state. We all know what Las Vegas means (besides Spanish for “Porn Leaflets Available On Sidewalk”): It means booze, gambling, and naked ladies. It’s the site of Britney’s first marriage and Siegfried and Roy’s closet. Little known fact: It was founded by Mormons.
Full of crap like this:
Because of people like this:
Go fig, Nevada.
28. New Hampshire. A lot of really hot rough and tumble granola guys with questionable hygiene, good maple syrup, and noticeable trouble pronouncing the the letter “r”.
29. New Jersey. Paradise. Where I tell people I’m from after Alaska got too embarassing. I mean, what is there to be embarassed about in New Jersey?
Well shit. I’m just going to have to start telling people I’m from Manitoba.
30. New Mexico: Good green chiles, and wrecked spaceships dot the land. Never go to Albuquerque – do you know how many times Bug Bunny took a wrong turn there and ended up somewhere awful? Like Newark?
31. New York:
32. North Carolina. Where you go to do this:
33. North Dakota: where you go to find this:
34. Ohio. Where you leave awfully disappointed because you didnt’ find this:
35. Oklahoma. Where you leave awfully disappointed because you found this:
36. Oregon. Apparently the dream of the ’90s is alive in Portland. We’re more taken with the good bookstores, delightful street vendors, and pleasant people. And of course:
37. Pennsylvania. Even those crazy Amish aren’t immune to gridlock:
Must be a barn raisin’ or somethin’.
Also – where you can do this:
38. Rhode Island. THE place to be if you’re a 19th Century millionaire looking for a place to summer, or if you have trouble pronouncing your A’s.
39. South Carolina. Where you can do this:
(That is, secede from the Union. And they still won’t let us forget it.)
40. South Dakota. Where you go to look at this:
And nothing else, because that’s all there is.
41. Tennessee: Where you lived if you were this guy:
And your career peaks if you’re this girl:
42. Texas: Where the Official State Religion involves one (or both) of two forms of worship:
43. Utah. God Bless Utah!
44. Vermont. Like New Hampshire, but further West. Oh, and more of this!
45. Virginia. Apparently this applies:
But it’s named after somebody who never had sex:
Something’s out of joint here.
46. Washington. Is the shit. That is all.
47. West Virginia. Where you can do this:
48. Wisconsin. Where you can’t go without seeing this:
(Or, apparently, Brett Favre’s penis)
49. Wyoming. Where you can do this:
Ok so my numbering’s off. Either I’ve missed a state (which is inconsequential because if I have, it’s probably because it sucks anyway), or it has something to do with the fact that I’m drunk. Whatever, fuck it. I’m out.