My guide to the 50 states Part II: The bottom half

Ok, so Lindsay Lohan has been safely distracted with a ball of tinfoil and I’ve fended off Kirstie Alley with a little white lie about a Chick Fil-A being open on Sunday in spite of corporate policy somewhere in Cerritos, and am now back to peace so I can continue skipping through the bottom 25 states of the union.

26. Nebraska. The license plates here say “Nebraska: The Weird Shit State”. Famous for tacky roadside attractions, such as this local version of Stonehenge:

27. Nevada. Las Vegas.  Let’s face it, nobody gives a shit about the rest of the state. We all know what Las Vegas means (besides Spanish for “Porn Leaflets Available On Sidewalk”): It means booze, gambling, and naked ladies. It’s the site of Britney’s first marriage and Siegfried and Roy’s closet. Little known fact: It was founded by Mormons.

Full of crap like this:

Because of people like this:

Go fig, Nevada.

28. New Hampshire. A lot of really hot rough and tumble granola guys with questionable hygiene, good maple syrup, and noticeable trouble pronouncing the the letter “r”.

29. New Jersey. Paradise. Where I tell people I’m from after Alaska got too embarassing. I mean, what is there to be embarassed about in New Jersey?

Oh, um…


Well shit. I’m just going to have to start telling people I’m from Manitoba.

30. New Mexico: Good green chiles, and wrecked spaceships dot the land. Never go to Albuquerque – do you know how many times Bug Bunny took a wrong turn there and ended up somewhere awful? Like Newark?

31. New York:


32. North Carolina. Where you go to do this:

33. North Dakota: where you go to find this:

34. Ohio. Where you leave awfully disappointed because you didnt’ find this:

35. Oklahoma. Where you leave awfully disappointed because you found this:


36. Oregon. Apparently the dream of the ’90s is alive in Portland. We’re more taken with the good bookstores, delightful street vendors, and pleasant people. And of course:

37. Pennsylvania. Even those crazy Amish aren’t immune to gridlock:

Must be a barn raisin’ or somethin’.

Also – where you can do this:

38. Rhode Island. THE place to be if you’re a 19th Century millionaire looking for a place to summer, or if you have trouble pronouncing your A’s.

39. South Carolina. Where you can do this:

(That is, secede from the Union. And they still won’t let us forget it.)

40. South Dakota. Where you go to look at this:

And nothing else, because that’s all there is.

41. Tennessee: Where you lived if you were this guy:

And your career peaks if you’re this girl:

42. Texas: Where the Official State Religion involves one (or both) of two forms of worship:


Or this:

43. Utah. God Bless Utah!

44. Vermont. Like New Hampshire, but further West. Oh, and more of this!

45. Virginia. Apparently this applies:

But it’s named after somebody who never had sex:

Something’s out of joint here.

46. Washington. Is the shit. That is all.

47. West Virginia. Where you can do this:

48. Wisconsin. Where you can’t go without seeing this:

(Or, apparently, Brett Favre’s penis)

49. Wyoming. Where you can do this:

Ok so my numbering’s off. Either I’ve missed a state (which is inconsequential because if I have, it’s probably because it sucks anyway), or it has something to do with the fact that I’m drunk. Whatever, fuck it. I’m out.


About AbFabSkyLife

Travel & Dining Writer. Gin Drinker. Papaya Promoter. Karaoke-ista. Living Aloha. My own opinion and not that of my employer.
This entry was posted in Boozing, Random Pics, Ridiculous Shenanigans, We're here we're queer have we made ourselves clear?. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to My guide to the 50 states Part II: The bottom half

  1. soupman450 says:

    new mexico

  2. Sean says:

    You forgot the Aloha state. You work for what again?

  3. Indigo says:

    you have two #10s in first half

    my faves: georgia, idaho, manitoba, and washington!

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