How well said. And that’s not anybody famous – that’s me. Well, I’m internet famous. Thanks for the vote of confidence Andy Warhol.
So we’re having a white elephant ornament exchange for Christmas this year.
Catherine needed clarification one day at lunch: “Does ‘white elephant’ mean grabby-stealy-exchangy thing, or does it just mean the gift is supposed to be bizarre?”
Well, both. White elephant is our PC workplace-appropriate term for “Chinese Auction”, which is a fluke of course because everyone knows legit auctions in China allow auctionees to steal items any number of times, while the watered down Western party version usually places a limit of two. And of course I’ll be the only one jabbering obnoxiously in Mandarin.
At any rate, I was for such a long time at a loss for what type of ornament to find. I mean, anybody can go out and find a Santa Claus on a surfboard or a Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer being busted for trafficking cocaine, but nobody sells any truly bizarre, quirky ornaments anymore.
Until one night I wandered on to Grindr, wanting of course to see if anybody had any new talking points about the Islamic implications that are painfully obvious throughout the text of Pride & Prejudice, and somebody had posted as their profile photo this gem of an ornament:
It’s perfect! It’s a complete non-sequitur to Christmas, and makes even less sense considering how many fires this merfireman would be putting out in MerWorld considering it’s UNDER THE FUCKING SEA. I mean, what kind of incendiary blazes go on at the wreck of the Andrea Doria? Either this guy is incredibly lazy, or he’s just one cog in a poorly conceived merman Village People coverband (there was a cop, but no fireman).
See? Plenty of flaming, undoubtedly some hoseplay, but no fireman.
So my ornament is perfect, my shtick is spot-on, and disaster occurs. The damn thing is twenty-five dollars.
Our limit is $5. Back to Hallmark. Somebody’s gonna have to settle for a coke-dealing Rudolph this year.