The things you want most in life invariably cost too much

How well said. And that’s not anybody famous – that’s me. Well, I’m internet famous. Thanks for the vote of confidence Andy Warhol.

So we’re having a white elephant ornament exchange for Christmas this year.

Catherine needed clarification one day at lunch: “Does ‘white elephant’ mean grabby-stealy-exchangy thing, or does it just mean the gift is supposed to be bizarre?”

Well, both. White elephant is our PC workplace-appropriate term for “Chinese Auction”, which is a fluke of course because everyone knows legit auctions in China allow auctionees to steal items any number of times, while the watered down Western party version usually places a limit of two. And of course I’ll be the only one jabbering obnoxiously in Mandarin.

At any rate, I was for such a long time at a loss for what type of ornament to find. I mean, anybody can go out and find a Santa Claus on a surfboard or a Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer being busted for trafficking cocaine, but nobody sells any truly bizarre, quirky ornaments anymore.

Until one night I wandered on to Grindr, wanting of course to see if anybody had any new talking points about the Islamic implications that are painfully obvious throughout the text of Pride & Prejudice, and somebody had posted as their profile photo this gem of an ornament:

Fucking ridiculous merfireman ornament

It’s perfect! It’s a complete non-sequitur to Christmas, and makes even less sense considering how many fires this merfireman would be putting out in MerWorld considering it’s UNDER THE FUCKING SEA. I mean, what kind of incendiary blazes go on at the wreck of the Andrea Doria? Either this guy is incredibly lazy, or he’s just one cog in a poorly conceived merman Village People coverband (there was a cop, but no fireman).

See? Plenty of flaming, undoubtedly some hoseplay, but no fireman.

So my ornament is perfect, my shtick is spot-on, and disaster occurs. The damn thing is twenty-five dollars.

Our limit is $5. Back to Hallmark. Somebody’s gonna have to settle for a coke-dealing Rudolph this year.


About AbFabSkyLife

Travel & Dining Writer. Gin Drinker. Papaya Promoter. Karaoke-ista. Living Aloha. My own opinion and not that of my employer.
This entry was posted in Random Pics, Ridiculous Shenanigans, We're here we're queer have we made ourselves clear? and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The things you want most in life invariably cost too much

  1. Catherine says:

    Misquote! Not bizarre, exactly. More like value-free.

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