And when I say “gay” like “awesome” (it’s been taken to mean stupid in teen parlance for far too long). Dude, that rocks, that’s totally gay. So yeah, Hawai’i Five-O (there may not be an apostrophe in Hawai’i in the actual official title of the show but I never type the name without it): brand new on CBS, Daniel Dae Kim apparently didn’t want to pack up and leave paradise after Lost wrapped, beefcake, a hot Asian chick in a bikini, and the delightful Jean Smart in cameos as Governor of Hawai’i. Whenever I see her I put on a thick accent and say, “Well gee Charlene, you sure done come a long way from Designing Women”.
But the important thing about what could have been a mediocre cop drama? The gayness. Oh, the gayness!
1. Bickering like an odd couple. Lemmon and Mathau, but attractive… and not dead.
2. McGarrett’s a diet queen.
3. The Navy. Need we say more?
4. McGarrett gives fashion tips, tries to get him out of his tie, and cleans up his crumbs.
5. Danno: “Please do not speak to me right now.” Taken out of context, he sounds like McGarrett told him he got high on X and blew a go-go boy at a strip club.
CBS even isn’t shy about pointing out the chemistry between our two six-pack-away-from-a-toss-in-the-sheets heroes, although they throw in the slightly homophobic “Don’t call it a bromance” tag to hang onto that broader Middle America audience:
So, it’s official. I’m dubbing this show officially gay. If CBS ever cancels it, I’m sure it’ll find a place on Logo. I kinda like it though. Maybe it’s taken half a century but in the 2010’s could there be a place for platonic man-on-man affection? It’s been taboo ever since the invention of the word “homosexual” effectively labeled nonsexual physical intimacy between straight men into oblivion. Could the Bromance Revolution be upon us?
In the hope CBS ever
reads this sues me for stealing their clips, I have a few perfectly plausible plots for future episodes:
- Danno blows all his money on beer in ongoing quest to get McGarrett drunk enough to fool around, moves into Steve’s guest room, spends much of episode bickering with partner about window treatments until swatches all destroyed in gun blazing shootout.
- Gay mafia menaces Honolulu as Five-O goes undercover investigating vicious ring of Aussie flight attendants smuggling cocaine into Hawai’i in buttplugs with false bottoms. Special Guest: Dame Edna.
- Danno and McGarrett avoid wait in trendy Honolulu restaurant by giving false name and being hustled out the back door by goons who mistake their identity as a couple that has stolen a flash drive with… oh wait, that’s the plot of “Date Night” with Tina Fey. Ah, why the hell not? McGarrett can talk protein shakes with Markie Mark.
- Samoan thugs shoot up wedding at the Royal Hawaiian – McGarrett and Danno stage their own wedding as a decoy, Kono and Chin Ho hold off bad guys from behind Kevlar coated wedding cake as Danno drags McGarrett to safety of understandably bulletproof Honeymoon Suite while ambulance arrives, season ends as Danno sits vigil over comatose McGarrett while they still wear wedding bands.
Hey, it’s really not that much of a stretch. Ok, I gotta stop before this morphs into creepy fan-fic.